Frequently Asked Questions

Emotional Intelligence is a set of 16 learnable skills. They help people learn from and use emotions to improve their lives. Emotions are always present, so it behooves us to use them wisely. In fact, Emotional Intelligence can be defined as the intelligent use of emotions. 

Technically, of course, it probably should be called EI. The reason it is called EQ is that it is a partner of IQ. Just as IQ helps us solve problems, EQ does as well. When someone uses IQ and EQ together, they are way ahead of the game.

First, everybody has at least some EQ. So it isn’t like some people have it and some don’t. But people are different in terms of how much overall EQ they have. People also differ on which of the 16 skills they have as strengths and weaknesses. Everyone has room to improve their EQ, even an EQ book writer! 😊

Well, since I wrote an EQ book, my bias is clear! 😊 But still, these are good questions. Scientists began to study EQ in 1989. Since then, thousands of studies have show that EQ skills can help in many ways. To get a full picture, it will help to read Emotional Intelligence for a Divided World. But here are some short answers: People with high EQ have been shown to perform much better “on the job.” They make better decisions, lead and manage people better, and deal successfully with the kinds of conflicts that naturally occur at work. 

EQ helps in our personal lives as well. Think of emotions as data or information. In other words, your emotions help you know more about the situations you find yourself in – is this the kind of situation I want to be in or do I need to find an exit? Emotions help you know whether you are with people who are right for you. Finally, most of us want good relationships with family, friends, co-workers, love partners, etc. Emotions help us know if a relationship is going well or needs some focused attention.

The answer is yes. Each of us has our own patterns of EQ strengths and weaknesses. It depends on what life problems we’ve had to struggle with and how we’ve gone about doing so. For example, if you have been lonely and wanted to make friends, did you study yourself and others to find out how to be a better friend or better romantic partner? If you were promoted to a management or leadership job at work, did you work to learn about leadership or did you just wing it? The good news is that it is never too late to learn.

This is one way EQ and IQ are different. IQ is mostly fixed, but EQ is more changeable. You can definitely improve your EQ skills.  Improving an EQ skill you’re low in is like opening a window on a new world you never knew was there before. It can change your life.

Learning EQ skills is a certain amount of work, just like learning any new skill, but it is exciting and rewarding as well. The exercises that accompany the book are built to give you some structured ways to learn and practice your new skills. In addition, The EQ Press has a forum that provides a place where people who are working on their EQ skills can help each other. Learning from others who are focused on building their EQ skills can be a great help. (See the link to the Forum in the menu bar at the top of this page.) 

Reading a book can be a big help. A good EQ book, like Emotional Intelligence for a Divided World, can help you learn EQ in a variety of ways. First, it will help you get a good grasp on what EQ actually is. Second, it can provide a framework to use to organize your thinking about EQ. Third, it will give you examples of EQ behaviors so that you recognize it in yourself and others when it happens. Fourth, it gives ideas about EQ behaviors you can use. Finally, the companion exercises can help you turn insights into habits. 

What an interesting question! To do this successfully requires EQ on your part. Empathy and Assertiveness are two skills that would come in handy. Empathy will help you recognize what the person cares about. That’s important because they will only want to learn about EQ if it will help them solve problems that matter to them. Empathy will also be important to show that you care about them as a person. Otherwise, they won’t trust what you say. Assertiveness is a way of speaking to them about it in a way that is kind, not judgmental. It is clear, not a hint that can be misunderstood. For example, let’s say that this person did something that hurt you. Assertiveness would sound something like: “What you said just now kind of stung. I’m not mad. I care a lot about you. I know you didn’t mean to make me feel bad. But I worry that if you were to do that a lot, people might not want to hang out with you. Maybe this is something you want to take care of?” 

Yes, EQ can help with that situation. In fact, EQ for a Divided World talks about this directly. To make more friends, use the EQ skills of Empathy, Emotional Self-Awareness, and Interpersonal Relationships. The EQ skills of Self-Regard and Assertiveness will also be useful. As you read the book, you will learn more about those skills - what they are and how to use them.